i was really happy with my ex, n after we split it took like 2 months or somn to get over her
but i found this new girl, shes fucking amazing, beautiful as fuck and really chill
so we been hangin out n crap, ya kno, jus chillen n stuff
n i asked her to my skl prom, she was like i dunno i was gna go wit friends but apparntly she said to my friend that she was probs gna say yes
n i talk to her tonite, she said that she got asked out n crap..i dunno i feel like so much shit now, like everything i tried to bury has all of a sudden come out and nothing i do makes it go away..i need help anyone..i just dont know..its like, i been sorta ignorin so much shit in my life, and was gna be happy cus i was so sure she was gna be my gf, now shes gone, and like everything else has come back i dont even know what the fucks the problem
sigh

 

fuck emos
lol thats all i say
why waste a life
------
ive been through wanting to commit suicide, when i had a panic attack in the week of my nan dieing my uncle OD'ing and my house windows getting smashed with my mum having a heart attack on christmas eve
just went into my shed got a piece of glass and cut away writing my name and shit
then i went inside reggreted it and tried to cover the scars

been through alot more aswell living on an estate is hard
just gotta stick through it
think of the good

 

idk mass just it takes time for those things im always deprresed off and on i keep getting like mood swings and shit pretty much im happy all the sudden then depressed but mostly depressed just like all the time i think im just happy out of nowhere cus theres this girl whos perfct for me all my homies moved away my last friend left lives far away i dont got no one to talk to or no way of expressin my feelings cus when i try to catch some tags mutha fuckin police every where now so i hope i get her so she can help me out with shit ive never really been with a girl so this would be some real shit. i just dont know what to do mang i listen to music and watch movies and shit but then afeter im feelin so down i tryed to bomb last night but to many cops and it was friday and i seen all these people hangin out with there friends and shit i didnt see one person with out someone and it made me feel so down. I always feel good at school cus i talk to people ive tryed to get my friend forrest to come han out on the weekend but he never wants to and my other friends just a lazy fuck who smokes weed all day. i fuckin quit weed and shit and chose graffiti rather than doing drugs. im gonna try to write what im feeling and try to make a song out of it or something cus hiphop and other music has been helpin me for long time now i gotta get involved

 

yea i get that too
i think im bipolar like the smallest thing can smash me
i reckon that u shud go for it wit ur gurl man jus be like, yo lisn, since i met u ive really started to like u, you wanna go catch a movie or sumn?
i jus wish my girl didnt go get a boyfriend the night i was gna tell her i like her

 

Things have looked up for me,

since i posted on the thread about the girl i like getting a boyfriend and me falling into a downward spiral, well a week ago she dumped her boyfriend, and she told me she liked me, so we began to hang out like we usually do, and then yesterday she started hinting to ask me out by saying, "my friend keeps wondering when your going to ask me out" i smiled and said "hmmm, what would you say if i did" she told me i would have to ask her to find out, i did and in a heart beat she said yes,

so far everything is beginning to get better.

just wait you guys, things come right in this cruel world if you have the patience,

(i am still suspected to have Major Depressive Disorder, thats a down side but I'm coping with it)

 

patience is the only thing you need in the world.

it's not the spark, nor the flame, but what matters most is how well you walk through the fire.



and i really don't know. i mean, i love relationships, but i also hate the fuck out of them. they got you feeling like nothing can hurt you and you feel amazing, but when they're done you want to kill yourself. i just can't tell if it's worth it.

for the time being, i'm gonna say it is. we'll see though.

 

suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, remember that.

 

good thread idea

I've actually thought how its a poetic end for a graffiti writer to die by his/her own hand like your goal is to leave a piece on a wall thats going to stand out and be remembered and shit and get attention, and if you kill yourself you kinda leave your last "tag" a metaphorical one, in peoples minds and you won't be forgotten, yanameen?

i don't know if that makes sense or not

 

i'm getting pushed closer and closer, and most of the pushing is done by me, just assisted by her.

and i've been having constant mood swings lately. i'll just go from happy to extremely depressed to extremely pissed back to extremely depressed......and on and on and on, and then sometimes i get a tiny bit content right before i go to bed, but that's hardly ever.

 

ever see 'against the wall'?? pretty much what you jus described.

anyone thinkin about suicide, life always gets better. suicide really is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. i used to have horrible anxiety (i sometimes still do, its jus not as bad as it was) and bad depression, but it got much much better. theres always a light at the end of the tunnel you jus have to be very patient. focus on what you love and what makes you feel good, try to keep busy and eventually what you once worried about slowly becomes overshadowed by what you love and you realize life really is worth living until the bitter end which should not be by your own hand. i mean come on "love is life, and life is living, its very special" haha. theres many ways of turning your life around be it activities, certain people, mediation, anything!

 

the thing that makes me feel the worst is the thing i love.

it's the only thing i love.

it's the only thing i have left to care about, although the care isn't even halfway returned.

it's my only outlet.

and i keep making it worse, and then immediately feeling worse, and so on and so forth..

the hole is deep. and when i say deep, i mean deep.



so please elaborate further.


because it seems like my only other option is finding another, but i doubt i have that much patience, cause it took 17 years to find one.

 

wait how old are you? im jus thinkin you cant be that old to have seen it all. you never kno whats gonna come your way. and from where you sound like you are im pretty sure things really can only get better. new people will come into your life and things will change. id plead with you not to end your life cuz people will miss you for sure jus dont do it please. i kno if your heart is set on something its hard to change but theres no turning back from that. i wish the best for you i honestly do. and if a complete stranger can care for you, think of how much the people close to you do..

 

Mast, I've had the same problem that you are dealing with right now.
You Base your whole life on one thing that you look forward to most and it fucks you over, I once went out with this amazing girl, I Put everything i once used to look foward to aside, Friends, Graffiti, Work, Mostly eveything that i once did before i met her.
We never had disagrement's we were perfect, It was about 2 years almost 3 and she Claimed "That she wasent interested in a relastionship, and she much rather be with a girl", Prior to that, about a week later my mom passed away.
I was about a pill away, from ending everything.
I relized to myself, Is this how weak, and pathetic i really am,
Like poeple go on living with Being handicap, tourtured, Starving, i could go on,
and im thinking, like this is over and girl and my mother dieing, Which dieing is just a part of life , and i thought like, i know i will meet another girl in my life, like i was about 17 or 18 at the time, i relized that, Ending this won't slove anything, besides depression for long while, You'll go through it. And you'll get over it, i promise This shit happens to the best of us, Killling your self is just showing how weak and pathetic You can really get.
I live alone, my mom is dead and i have no clue where my dad lives.
I don't Look forward to much, I'm content with the girlfriend i have.
Life is going downhill each day for me, but There is something inside of me telling me that Ending my life, Won't slove problems Its just a Way of Copping out.
I wake up each day with agony, depression, and guilt.
You ending your life over a girl that you Really love Now, But 20 odd years down the road you'll be telling your wife this story on how you were very depressed and wanted to end your life over a girl, and laughing about it.
The state of mind your in now, will stay with you for quite some time, depending how much you stress and think about it.
I try to just forget about it, and look for the right side of everything.
Just remeber, You will be happier sometime down the road. Everyone will.

 

i'm about to throw my computer across the room. i typed up a giant explanation, completely vented, and thanked you guys for the help, but when i hit submit, my internet was out, so it took me to an error page, and when i went back, it had erased everything i wrote. it was about 4 well-sized paragraphs worth.


i don't feel like typing it all again, but it did help to at least type it all once. maybe i will again tomorrow.

but your guys' help is greatly appreciated. and in replying to your posts, i realized things that are helping me get to the absolute root of the problem, and things that somewhat bring me closer to getting out of this rut.

it's all just a mental state of mind that i know is attainable, i just have to be patient and work for it, which is what i'll try to do.


but the main problem, i've realized, is this: i've been abandoned by people (close and distant) for so long, i now have a fear of it. so i can't let go of what i have, for fear of being abandoned once again. and everytime i am abandoned, i get further and further down. this time it just feels like i dropped too much, because one day i was up ten times higher than i've ever been (figuratively), and then i suddenly dropped lower than i've ever been. it's just that great descent that got to me. plus, i just keep making it worse.

 

Things will come to you, Your life will only be stuck in a hole if you allow it.
Digging your hole is easy, Finding a way out it is the hardest part.
People giving up on coming out of that hole, Either live a shitty life, Or Suicide.
And the situation Your facing now is Horrbile, turst me i went through it.
but it could be hellah lot worse.
Thinking positive is the best thing you can do and focuss on the better parts of life, Even if you know yourself, that fuck, there is no bright part of this, Just find a way to look at it better then what it could be.
Thinking negitive, Digs your hole deeper and deeper, untill your stuck.
Thinking negitive is easy, thinking positive can come easy if you try.

 

I wrote this in Social over the past few days just to get my feeling’s out, it’s very personal, and probaly quite repetitive, but if anyone has any suggestions to help me through all this bullshit, it would be highly appreciated:

What it the point of living when you can only put a negative spin on everything that is going on in your life. Almost every aspect of my life points to death or a want for death. I am constantly feeling different than everyone that surrounds me, I feel inadequate because I can’t find happiness. I’m sure one day my life may get worse and that there will be nothing’ left living’ for and I’ll give up and this will be my ultimate demise. It’s as if life isn’t for me, which is kind of ironic because life is so synonymous with humans that how can it not be for me. It’s almost that the message that I need help will not be noticed until I end my life by my own hand. Then people will see how truly depressed and inadequate I am, and I doubt I will be missed. At this point, I feel so alone in this world. I am constantly lonely, and this just contributes to my depression. I wish I could find someone who could make me feel better about myself, and make me happy and smile, but I don’t feel like I’m worth someone else’s time. I sit around bored, just fantasying about suicide, just thinking about being discovered dead after I end my life. I think about just mutilating my forearm with a knife until I bleed to death, or taking O.D.ing on something. The moments leading up to my death would be the best, I would have to find like the ultimate thing to do before I die, like make love to the most beautiful girl I know which is probaly already not going to happen, so I would probaly just get all fucked up on drugs which would just help me die anyway. I just don’t know how much longer I can continue to live this shame. It’s literally painful to live, my heart aches, I feel weak, dying would be the easiest thing, I’m sure there is plenty of things to look foreword to, but right now I just don’t see much good happening. How long must I wait until I am finally happy? I just want to die so much, like what the fuck should I do, I can’t bear this pain much longer.


(P.S., I am not actually going to kill myself, it’s just I feel really like I want to die)

 

Guys no time for explanation but put it this way,

its the end of the line for Zatu

bye

thanks...

 

Man, come back here and post, please don't do it...

 

seriously, if it's not too late, DO NOT do it. don't. don't. don't. don't. don't.

please do not do that to yourself and your loved ones and us.