I fucking love David Thorne. From: David Thorne Date: Monday 8 Dec 2008 11.04am To: Matthew Smythe Subject: R.S.V.P. Dear Matthew, Thankyou for the party invite. At first glance I thought it may be a child's party what with it being vibrant and having balloons but I realise you probably did your best with what little tools were available. I wouldn't miss it for the world. What time would you like me there? Regards, David. From: Matthew Smythe Date: Monday 8 Dec 2008 3.48pm To: David Thorne Subject: Re: R.S.V.P. Hi David Sorry the note was just to let you know that we might be a bit loud that night. The house warming is really just for friends and family but you can drop past for a beer if you like. Cheers Matthew From: David Thorne Date: Monday 8 Dec 2008 5.41pm To: Matthew Smythe Subject: Re: Re: R.S.V.P. Thanks Matthew, Including me in your list of friends and family means a lot. You and I don't tend to have long discussions when we meet in the hallway and I plan to put a stop to that. Next time we bump into each other I intend to have a very long conversation with you and I am sure you are looking forward to that as much as I am. I have told my friend Ross that you are having a party and he is as excited as I am. Do you want us to bring anything or will everything be provided? Regards, David. From: Matthew Smythe Date: Tuesday 9 Dec 2008 10.01am To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P. Hi David As I said, my housewarming is just for friends and family. There is not a lot of room so cant really have to many people come. Sorry about that mate. Cheers Matthew From: David Thorne Date: Tuesday 9 Dec 2008 2.36pm To: Matthew Smythe Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P. Dear Matthew, I can appreciate that, our apartments are not very large are they? I myself like to go for a jog every night to keep fit but fear leaving the house so I have to jog on the spot taking very small steps with my arms straight down. I understand the problems of space restrictions all too well. If you would like to store some of your furniture at my place during the party you are quite welcome to - if we move your cane furniture into my spare room for the night and scatter cushions on the ground, that would provide a lot more seating and create a cozy atmosphere at the same time. I have a mirror ball that you can borrow. I have told Ross not to invite anyone else due to the space constraints so it will just be us two and my other friend Simon. When I told Simon that Ross and I were going to a party he became quite angry that I had not invited him as well so I really didn't have any choice as he can become quite violent. Sometimes I am afraid to even be in the same room as him. So just myself Ross and Simon. Simon's girlfriend has a work function on that night but might come along after that if she can get a lift with friends. Regards, David. From: Matthew Smythe Date: Tuesday 9 Dec 2008 4.19pm To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P. Wtf? Nobody can come to the houswarming party it is just for friends and family. I dont even know these people. How do you know I have cane furniture? Are you the guy in apartment 1? From: David Thorne Date: Tuesday 9 Dec 2008 6.12pm To: Matthew Smythe Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P. Hi Matthew, I understand it is an exclusive party and I appreciate you trusting my judgement on who to bring. I just assumed you have cane furniture, doesn't everybody? Cane is possibly one of the most renewable natural resources we have after plastic, it is not only strong but lightweight and attractive. Every item in my apartment is made of cane, including my television. It looks like the one from Gilligan's Island but is in colour of course. Do you remember that episode where a robot came to the island? That was the best one in my opinion. I always preferred Mary Anne to Ginger, same with Flintstones - I found Betty much more attractive than Wilma but then I am not really keen on redheads at all. They have freckles all over their body did you know? It's the ones on their back and shoulders that creep me out the most. Anyway, Ross rang me today all excited about the party and asked me what the theme is, I told him that I don't think there is a theme and we discussed it and feel that it should be an eighties themed party. I have a white suit and projector and am coming as Nik Kershaw. I have made a looping tape of 'wouldn't it be good' to play as I am sure you will agree that this song rocks and has stood the test of time well. I am in the process of redesigning your invites appropriately and will get a few hundred of them printed off later today. I will have to ask you for the money for this as print cartridges for my Epson are pretty expensive. They stopped making this model a month after I bought it and I have to get the cartridges sent from China. Around $120 should cover it. You can just pop the money in my letter box if I don't see you before tonight. Regards, David. From: Matthew Smythe Date: Wednesday 10 Dec 2008 11.06pm To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P. What the fuck are yout alking about? There is no theme for the party it is just a few friends and family. noone else can come IT IS ONLY FOR MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY do you understand? Do not print anything out because I am not paying for something I dont need and didnt ask you to do! look I am sorry but i am heaps busy and that night is not convenient. Are you in Apatrment1? From: David Thorne Date: Thursday 11 Dec 2008 9.15am To: Matthew Smythe Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P. Hello Matthew, I agree that it is not very convenient and must admit that when I first received your invitation I was perplexed that it was on a Sunday night but who am I to judge. No, I am in apartment 3B. Our bedroom walls are touching so when we are sleeping our heads are only a few feet apart. If I put my ear to the wall I can hear you. I also agree with you that having a particular theme for your party may not be the best choice, it makes more sense to leave it open as a generic fancy dress party, that way everyone can come dressed in whatever they want. Once, I went to a party in a bear outfit which worked out well as it was freezing and I was the only one warm. As it won't be cold the night of your party, I have decided to come as a Ninja. I think it would be really good if you dressed as a ninja as well and we could perform a martial arts display for the other guests. I have real swords and will bring them. If you need help with your costume let me know, I have made mine by wrapping a black t-shirt around my face with a hooded jacket and cut finger holes in black socks for the gloves. I do not have any black pants so will spray paint my legs on the night. It is a little hard to breathe in the costume so I will need you to keep the window open during the party to provide good air circulation. Actually, I just had a thought, how awesome would it be if I arrived 'through' the window like a real ninja. We should definitely do that. I just measured the distance between our balconies and I should be able to jump it. I once leaped across a creek that was over five metres wide and almost made it. Also, you mentioned in your invitation that if there was anything I needed, to let you know. My car is going in for a service next week and I was wondering, seeing as we are good friends now, if it would be ok to borrow yours on that day. I hate catching the bus as they are full of poor people who don't own cars. Regards, David. From: Matthew Smythe Date: Thursday 11 Dec 2008 3.02pm To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: R.S.V.P. WTF? No you cant borrow my car and there is no fucking 3B. I reckon you are that guy from Apartment 1. You are not coming to my house warming and you are not bringing any of your friends. What the fuck is wrong with you??? The only people invited are friends and family I told you that. It is just drinks there is no fucking fancy dress and only people i know are coming! I dont want to be rude but jesus fucking christ man. From: David Thorne Date: Sunday 14 Dec 2008 2.04am To: Matthew Smythe Subject: Party Hello Matthew, I have been away since Thursday so have not been able to check my email from home. Flying back late today in time for the party and just wanted to say that we are really looking forward to it. Will probably get there around eleven or twelve, just when it starts to liven up. Simon's girlfriend Cathy's work function was cancelled so she can make it afterall which is good news. She will probably have a few friends with her so they will take the mini van. Also, I have arranged a Piñata. Regards, David.
From: David Thorne Date: Wednesday 30 September 2009 6.04pm To: Peter Williams Subject: Inspection Report Dear Peter, Thankyou for the surprise inspection and invitation to participate in the next. I appreciate you underlining the text at the bottom of the page which I would otherwise have surely mistaken for part of the natural pattern in the paper. I was going to clean the apartment but had so many things on my 'to do' list that I decided to treat them all equally and draw pictures of sharks instead. I have attached one for your honest appraisal. Regards, David. From: Peter Williams Date: Thursday 01 October 2009 9.41am To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Inspection Report David I recommed you take this matter more seriously. You were sent notice of the inspection as part of our normal procedure. In addition to the cleaning, the light fitting in the lounge room is broken and the apartment smells of smoke. Peter From: David Thorne Date: Thursday 01 October 2009 10.26am To: Peter Williams Subject: Re: Re: Inspection Report Dear Peter, The light fitting was the victim of a toy lightsabre being swung in a space too small to do the same with a cat. I dodged a leaping double handed overhead attack and the fitting, being fitted, didn't. I will grab a matching replacement $12 fitting from IKEA the next time I require a tiny ironing board or glass tea light. The smell you mistook for cigarette smoke was probably just from the fog machine. Each Tuesday I hold a disco in my bedroom with strobe lighting and special guest. As my wardrobe door has a large mirror on it, it looks like someone is dancing with you. I once dressed as a lady and it was almost exactly what I imagine dancing with a real lady would be like. Unfortunately, I kept worrying about falling, hitting my head and being found dressed that way so she left after only a few dances and a brief kiss. You should come one night, it will be a dance spectacular. I imagine you are probably a good dancer because you are small and the smallest member of the Rocksteady Crew was definitely the best one. Regards, David. From: Peter Williams Date: Thursday 01 October 2009 1.16pm To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Inspection Report David I do not appreciate being called small and being sent stupid drawings of me being eaten by a shark. The apartment is to be cleaned and reinspected in two weeks time. You cant have a fog machine or anything like that at the apartment in case the smoke damages the walls. Peter From: David Thorne Date: Thursday 01 October 2009 4.02pm To: Peter Williams Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Inspection Report Dear Peter, I apologise for mentioning your smallness. It must be a subject most people you know avoid. Was it the Rocksteady Crew comment or the fact that the shark was actually very small in the picture, making you, in comparison, the size of a very small fish? I have attached a revised version which you can print out, pin to your cubicle wall, look at whenever you are feeling down and think "That Volkswagen looks way too small for me to get into, I must be huge." Regards, David. From: Peter Williams Date: Thursday 01 October 2009 5.12pm To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Inspection Report David Do not send me anymore drawings. I am not joking. I am keeping a record of everything you send just so you know. If the apartment is not clean when we reinspect in two weeks time, we will consider terminating the lease as we have also had ongoing noise complaints regarding the premises. Peter From: David Thorne Date: Thursday 01 October 2009 6.27pm To: Peter Williams Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Inspection Report Dear Peter, Yes, I find loud music helps me relax while I clean as the music distracts me so much that I stop cleaning. Which is relaxing. I will probably get onto it this week though as I do not wish to be evicted. I have developed a severe case of agoraphobia and residing in an apartment where I can reach all four walls while standing in the one spot brings me a feeling of security and the daily culling of plague proportion cockroaches gives me something to do in my spare time. I class the eighteen cans of surface spray I use per week as sporting equipment. I purchased one of those electronic things that plugs into the wall which is meant to scare cockroaches by sending a pulse through the apartment wiring but while it has reduced the numbers, it seems others have evolved to feed off the electrical signal, increasing their size. I am using one as a coffee table in the lounge and two smaller ones as side tables in the bedroom. They would probably be susceptible to carbon monoxide poisoning though so I will try running a hose pipe from my car exhaust to the apartment, closing the windows and leaving the vehicle running overnight. It is apparently an odourless gas so should not prove an issue for my son's cub group sleepover. Also, I read somewhere once that cockroaches can survive a nuclear attack so I have been collecting the dead ones and intend to glue several thousand to the walls thereby ensuring my survival should Cyberdyne Systems become self aware between now and when the lease runs out. Regards, David. From: Peter Williams Date: Friday 02 October 2009 10.18am To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Inspection Report I am not going to waste my time reading any more of your stupid nonsense. Clean the property or we will terminate the lease - the choice is yours. Do not email me again unless it is of a serious matter. Peter From: David Thorne Date: Friday 02 October 2009 10.36am To: Peter Williams Subject: Nom nom nom
From: David Thorne Date: Sunday 8 November 2009 2.16pm To: Megan Roberts Subject: DVDs Dear Megan, Thank you for your letter regarding overdue fees. As all four movies were outstanding examples of modern cinematic masterpieces, your assumption that I would wish to retain them in my possession is understandable, but incorrect. Please check your records as these movies were returned, on time, over three weeks ago. I remember specifically driving there and having my offspring run them in due to the fact that I was wearing shorts and did not want the girl behind the counter to see my white hairy legs. Regards, David. From: Megan Roberts Date: Monday 9 November 2009 11.09am To: David Thorne Subject: Re: DVDs Hi David Our computer system indicates otherwise. Please recheck and get back to me. Kind regards, Megan From: David Thorne Date: Monday 9 November 2009 11.36am To: Megan Roberts Subject: Re: Re: DVDs Dear Megan, Yes, they are definitely white and hairy. Viewed from the knees down, the similarity to two large albino caterpillars in parallel formation is frightening. People who knew what the word meant might describe them as 'piliferous', although there is something quite sexy about that word so perhaps they wouldn't. Regards, David. From: Megan Roberts Date: Monday 9 November 2009 1.44pm To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: DVDs Hi David No I mean our records indicate that the DVDs have not been returned. Please check and return as soon as possible. Kind regards, Megan From: David Thorne Date: Monday 9 November 2009 4.19pm To: Megan Roberts Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs Dear Megan, With the possible exception of Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay, the movies were not worth watching let alone stealing. In Logan's Run, for example, the computer crashed at the end when presented with conflicting facts and blew up destroying the entire city. When my computer crashes I carry on a little bit and have a cigarette while it is rebooting. I don't have to search through rubble for my loved ones. The same programmers probably designed the Blockbuster 'returned or not' database. Also, while one would assume the title Journey to the Centre of the Earth to be a metaphor, the movie was actually set in the centre of the earth which, being a solid core of iron with temperatures exceeding 4300˚ Celcius and pressures of 3900 tons per square centimetre, does not seem very likely. Waterworld was actually pretty good though. My favourite bit was when they were on the water but the scene when Kevin Costner negotiated for peace, ending the war between fish and mankind moments before the whale army attacked was also very good. Regards, David. From: Megan Roberts Date: Tuesday 10 November 2009 3.57pm To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs David The DVDs are listed as not returned. If you cant locate the DVDs, you will be charged for the replacement cost. Megan From: David Thorne Date: Tuesday 10 November 2009 5.12pm To: Megan Roberts Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs Dear Megan, I have checked pricing at the DVD Warehouse and the cost of replacing your lost movies with new ones is as follows: Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay $7.95 Waterworld $4.95 Journey to the Centre of the Earth $9.95 Logan's Run $12.95 I have no idea why Logan's Run is the most expensive of the four movies as it was definitely the worst. Have you seen it? I wouldn't pay $12.95 for that. I would use the money to buy a good movie instead. Probably something with Steven Seagal in it. The entire premise comprised of living a utopian and carefree lifestyle with only three drawbacks - wearing seventies jumpsuits, living in what looks like a giant shopping centre and not being allowed to live past thirty. This would seem logical though as I would not want a bunch of old people hanging around complaining about their arthritis while I am trying to relax at the shopping centre in my jumpsuit trying not to think about the computer crashing. I was recently forced to do volunteer work at an aged care hospital. Footage of these people during Tuesday night line dancing could be used as an advertisement for the Logan's Run solution. The only good aspect of working there was that I halved their medication, pocketing and selling the remainder, explaining the computer listed that as their dose and they were welcome to check knowing their abject fear of anything produced after the eighteenth century would prevent them from doing so. I also swapped my Sanyo fourteen inch portable television for their Panasonic wide screen plasma while they were sleeping, explaining that it had always been that way and their senility was simply playing up due to the reduced dosage of drugs. Regards, David. From: Megan Roberts Date: Wednesday 11 November 2009 1.21pm To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs Hi David I have not seen those movies so I dont know what you are talking about. I prefer romantic comedies. If you have the movies we can't rent them so we lose money and the fees are based on what we we would have made from renting them and we also have to purchase movies through our suppliers not from DVD Warehouse. Megan From: David Thorne Date: Wednesday 11 November 2009 3.28pm To: Megan Roberts Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs Dear Megan, I myself am also a huge fan of romantic comedies. Perhaps we could watch one together. I have a new Panasonic wide screen plasma. My favourite romantic comedy is Fatal Instinct although it did not contain enough robots or explosions in my opinion and I was therefore unable to truly identify with the main characters on a personal and emotional level. Recently, I was tricked into watching The Notebook which was about geese. Lots of geese. It also had something to do with an old lady who conveniently lost her memory so she could not remember being a whore throughout the entire film. I don't recall a lot of it as I was too busy being cross about watching it. In a utopian future society she would have been hunted down and killed at thirty. In regards to the late fees, I understand the amount is based on what you lose by not being able to rent the movies out. You probably had people lined up around the block waiting to rent Logan's Run. For eighty two dollars though, I could have purchased six copies of it from DVD Warehouse or, as I have heard he is a bit strapped for cash, had Kevin Costner visit my house in person and re-enact key scenes from Waterworld in my bathroom. Regards, David. From: Megan Roberts Date: Thursday 12 November 2009 3.16pm To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs Hi David. Restocking fees are: 002190382 Journey to the Centre of the Earth $9.30 003103119 Logans Run $7.90 008629103 Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay $6.30 000721082 Waterworld $5.70 Total: $29.20 - I have deleted your late fees and noted on the computer that the amount owed is for the replacement movies not fees. Kind regards, Megan From: David Thorne Date: Thursday 12 November 2009 7.42pm To: Megan Roberts Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs Dear Megan, Those prices seem reasonable. I do not want Logan's Run but will pick up the other three when I come in next. Regards, David. From: Megan Roberts Date: Friday 13 November 2009 12.51pm To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs What? The $29.20 is the cost of the replacement DVDs for the store. Megan From: David Thorne Date: Friday 13 November 2009 1.15pm To: Megan Roberts Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs Dear Megan, That makes more sense, I was wondering what I was going to do with two copies of each movie. Regards, David. From: Megan Roberts Date: Friday 13 November 2009 2.33pm To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs What do you mean by two copies? Are you saying you found the four movies? Megan From: David Thorne Date: Friday 13 November 2009 2.57pm To: Megan Roberts Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs Dear Megan, Yes, they were on top of my fridge the whole time. Unfortunately I have a blind spot that prevents me from seeing this area of the kitchen as it is also where I keep my pile of unpaid bills. Last night I slept on the kitchen floor with the fridge door open due to my air conditioner being broken and the temperature outside exceeding that of the centre of the earth. As my fridge emits a high pitched 'beep' every thirty seconds when left open, the vibrations from this caused the DVDs to wriggle forward over the space of many hours before toppling from the edge and I awoke to find them beside me on the pillow. As you have already waived the late fees, I will drop them off tonight and we will call it even. Regards, David. From: Megan Roberts Date: Friday 13 November 2009 3.43pm To: David Thorne Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: DVDs Ok.
i would suggest do, but thats just me. if its posted in here, don't you think it would be funny? and it is, amazingly so
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That last David Thorne one was more of an argument for getting out of late fees, just might try it as well.
yeah thats what i thought its just that i never heard anybody use richard for a nickname for dick then again im half canadian